pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
