summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
