Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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