i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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