ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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