I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
