look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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