Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
