I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
