also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
