I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
