My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
