There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
