so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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