can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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