dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This is my gift to your gina
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
