ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
