Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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