Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
