I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
