I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My pussy is not your playground.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
