Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
