I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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