you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
