i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
