Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i out mim tonsoeep
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
