I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
