party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
