I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
