mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
