I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
