Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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