I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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