Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
