I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
