my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
