yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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