He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
