woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
