i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
