Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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