We got so high we made milksteak
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
