I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
