Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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