i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
