I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
