Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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