He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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