we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
