I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
